Poor week for exercise

So this week I only got on my treadmill once. :( and even that was a poor attempt. Only 2.1 miles in 40 minutes. I have not been feeling well all week and battling a little bit of stress so this week is a write off. I'm hoping to get some treadmill time in tomorrow evening. We have company coming over so the morning and afternoon are a write off. Jon has a new video game and he's be more then happy to go down stairs and play that while I run while Alexander sleeps.
I've been fighting all week a decision on whether or not I want to continue to strive for weight loss. For the past 4 months I've been logging every bit of food/exercise I've been eating/doing. For the past 4 months I've gained and lost the same 3-4 lbs. For the past 4 months I've been on a horrible roller coaster of emotions regarding my weight. I'm not happy with it. I WANT to do something about it however it seems like it is going to be impossible. So I'm left at this decision. Do I put away the scales and say FUCK IT and try to just eat as healthy as possible and work out and not care if I lose/gain weight? Do I keep trying and cutting out foods etc? Why isn't this working. I tried the Jillian Michael's fat burners, didn't work.  I've gone from 1800-1200 calories per day with the same result. 254 lbs. That's a horrible number that I'm miserable with. Can I learn to live with it? Can I be happy at that weight as long as I am able to keep up with my son and life? Have I really been giving the weight loss 150% efforts? The answer to all but the last question is  I don't know. The answer to the last question.... is a very loud NO! It's a lot of hard work to lose weight. With sleep deprivation it makes it even harder. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know where I'm going to go. I told my husband today I'm done trying that I'm just going to try eating as healthy as possible and try to get healthy (no matter what weight) so that I can keep up with Alexander. He supported me in that. He said that's all that matters, my weight does not, my size does not.
I am lost on this weight loss journey. I know what I want to be, I know where I want to be, am I able to achieve it? So far I have not been able to. I have some soul searching to do, I need to make a decision on my actions and shit or get off the pot. I really don't know if it's possible for me to get back to 180 lbs.
As I struggle with this decision, miss my best friend Karen terribly, wondering what I'm going to do. Wondering what she'd say what she'd do, Jon sent me this:

Not sure what to think of the white orb above the red bucket. It's definitely NOT  a reflection and NOT a spot on his camera lens. It was taken with his cell phone. As soon as he sent it to me my eyes fixated on the white orb.. What/Who is it? This is the first time and orb has appeared in any of our photos. I feel it is most definitely a spirit. Any thoughts?!?!

Something awesome happened

First of all I'm going to apologise for the length of time it's taken me to write another post. I've had a lot of personal issues I've been dealing with. :) Not sure how many readers I have but I hope to get better at this posting thing. Things are turning around.

Now to the reason for this post. Something awesome happened about a month ago. I know exactly when it happened and I will always remember this moment in my life forever. I became a mom. I had been out grocery shopping with Alexander, doing groceries as I normally do. Alexander and I go up and down the aisles talking about the food we're buying and what we're going to do with it. He kicks at me I take his feet and push the cart away. A good song comes on (you know your old when you like the songs they play in the grocery store) I dance to it as we go about our business of getting our groceries. Alexander pointing at everything saying "wats dat" or "ah wan dat". I repeat to him "What's that, that's *fill in random food item" or "silly boy you don't even know what that is how can you want it." That day was a little different though, that day must have been "mom day" because there was a lot of moms with their little ones. Out of the corner of my eye in between bombing my child with kisses and watching him giggle with delight I watched these moms. All of these moms (atleast 7 of them) were doing their shopping as their child looked on. They did not talk to their kid, they did not show their kid different foods, or say "oh I'm going to buy hamburger so we can make some lasagna" to them. They were running errands with their child with them.

I then imagined how idiotic I must look, pushing Alexander around the store in the cart with his feet, or pushing him in front of me telling him to stop running away from me. Each time I do any of this he squeals with delight and laughs so hard at me. I then notice the older ladies smiling at me and at us with that "there goes a great mom" smile. And the ladies who are running errands look at me and watch me interacting with him as we scan our items. I for a moment wonder if the lady with the little girl wishes she could act like that with her kid. That's when it hit.. I am either bat shit crazy or I'm a pretty awesome mom. (My husband confidently tells me that night that it's the latter of the two.)

I get home with Alexander put the groceries away give him a snack and as we sit on the couch with him on my lap I give him a big hug and tell him "I love you" kiss the top of his head and told him "I'm your mom".

Yes my child was 14 months old, however up until that point I was some person who was struggling to look after this child. And oh boy did I ever struggle. I had post partum depression, that did not go away after 6 months, 8 months, a year. It did not go away with medication, that just made it easier not to cry.  I openly talked about my struggles. I tried to open a conversation about my struggles so other moms wouldn't feel alone if they struggled too. However I've only recently realized no one wants to hear about that. No one wants to hear that you're proud you got your kid to eat all his dinner without throwing it around or pushing it away. No one wants to hear that you're proud that you were able to give him breakfast and a bath before nap time without you crying your head off. What people want to hear is oh my child can walk, and talk, and eat all his veggies all by himself with no help.

Another thing that helped click this into me was I mentioned to a close friend how much I was struggling and how I couldn't understand why it was so easy for other mothers. She said it's all about attitude. I asked her how she did it, she never struggles, she never has a hard time. Her response.. "oh I do.. I have lots of them, I just don't talk about them"  WHAT?!?!?!?! All these months and you're only now telling me this??? Why??? Because no one wants to be seen as a "bad mom". In the world we live in now women are suppose to be everything, do everything. Be a career woman working 40+ hours a week and a perfect 1950's stay at home mom who makes fresh bread daily and has the house spotless. Someone who is always prepared for every small situation (a mom who doesn't forget the bottle, or a pair of socks or a hat) Who expects that of us women?? OTHER FREEKIN WOMEN. You listen to a group of mom's talk and it's almost a competition talk about how great their life is and how perfect their child and house is at every minute. You read the face book posts about "little Timmy learned his alphabet today, what an awesome 9 month old I have" or "I baked 5 loaves of bread today and made a 7 course meal all while breast feeding my child, then at nap time I had 3 hours of amazing sex with the hubby then went to my amazing job and found out I've just been promoted to president of the company"

These are expectations I can not live up to. Alexander is 14.5 months and has no idea what an alphabet is let alone how to say them. And well I can only make bread maker bread and that takes a good 4 hours to make so I'd be making bread all day if I had to make 5 loaves of bread. There's no way I'll ever become president of Rogers. That's just silly. Phone monkey I shall be, but I like my job. I like talking to the people (well 95% of them, it really does take all kinds) And 3 hour of sex.. who has that kind of time?!?

I am currently learning that if the dishes are in the dishwasher, the meals are made, the house is tidy (aka if you don't like my dust I'll get you the pledge and a cloth; go to town), if my child is fed, and has a smile on his face, then I'm doing a great job! And I'm a mom.. And a pretty darn good one at that. (PS I'm the bat shit crazy woman who sings to her child in the grocery store and spins him around in circles while dancing with him outside the mall to random songs just to hear him laugh. )

Are you to hard on yourself?

So I have been having a hard time again with being a mom. Things are getting piled up and I am getting overwhelmed. I feel very often that I'm a bad mom. It's hard for me not to feel this way. I have an "ideal" mom image in my head. This mom is one who cooks, and cleans and spends 2-3 hours a day interacting with their child, and also has time to work out and keep the house hold flowing. She is "put together" with clothes and makeup and physically fit. I know moms like this. There are moms like this where I work. They are idols to me. They are the women I dream of being like. The kind of women I really want to be, but have no idea how to start to achieve it. Most days I do good to get my child fed, myself fed, my husband fed, and the dishes done and some toys picked up and showered. I realize I do not know what these ladies home lives are like, but in my mind they are able to cook and clean and have time to spend with their children. This exists right?! I know this is possible, I read about it I see it.. So WHY CAN'T I ACHIEVE IT. I have been told by a number of people I'm to hard on myself. That I'm expecting to much of myself, of my child, of my puppy. I do not give enough credit to myself. That I have alot on my plate (14 month old and a 7 month old puppy and working nights) I do not feel this way. I feel I am capable of so much more then what I'm doing right now. If I am capable... why am I not doing it? I have stopped caring about how I look in public, I have stopped caring about how I look at home. As long as I "get the basics done" that seems to be all I can manage to do. This is sad. This has caused a weight gain that I am NOT happy with. When will it kick in for me to start getting my life together? When will my feelings return? When will I start caring again? I really do feel like I am lost. I NEED to know other moms struggle. That they find things hard because as I look around, it appears everyone is "super mom" and I'm first in running for the "worst mom of the year" award. PLEASE if you have struggles, (if you are reading this) Please post. Let me know I'm not alone in this.

A day in my life

So I discovered today I'm actually a super busy person. I do a lot in my day. I am always tired :S blah maybe someday I'll work normal shifts. I thought I'd tell you about my day.  

8 am - wake up 

8-8:30am - feed Alexander and Penny 

8:30-9am - get breakfast (egg sandwich and coffee) 

9-10am - play time 

10/10:30am - Alexander down for a nap 

10:30-11am - treamill (this is new starting today) 

11-11:30am - shower and Alexander usually wakes from his nap 

11:30-12:30pm - play time 

12:30pm - give Alexander dinner

 1 pm - make myself dinner 

1-3pm - play time random cleaning dishes, laundry cleaning the living room 

3-4pm - get Jon's supper/work lunch/breakfast for the next day ready get my work supper ready 

4-4:15pm - time with Jon 

4:15pm - leave for work 

5pm-1:30am - work 

2am - bed time 

 Then I'll do it all again tomorrow. I did do groceries so playtime got turned into "what's that" time at the grocery store.. Alexander's new favorite saying. Last week was pretty much the same except from 10-1130 I'd nap with Alexander. I've bought a treadmill in hopes of getting into shape again!

 So here's a great story for the day. I got a really nice roast beef for supper. Made it for Jon with potatoes and carrots. He sat down to eat some, then he went back for 2nd's and while he was eating he noticed the dog was not beside him, AND she was quiet.. (can you guess where this story is going) She had gotten up on the counter (he did not push the plate back far enough) took the roast off the plate and ate the rest of it.. that's over 1/2 of a giant roast.. Yeah.. so no roast for me for tomorrow's lunch.. Boo.. I love roast beef.. 

 And this just in looks like play date on friday.. So excited!!

From mother to mother

This is a rare type of post for me to write so a lot of it may seem like rambling. I never understood the impact of ones health had on their loved ones until I had a baby. I have had lots of ppl around me sick, I have an auto immune disorder myself, I've had people pass away suddenly or to sickness or old age. However until I became a mother I never really got how important being healthy and fighting for ones life really is. I always said if I developed another illness I'd refuse treatment and just give up. Until I had Alexander. That is not an option now. I spent a lot of time angry with my best friend for passing away. She died of cancer, she had two small boys. She left them, she left me I was mad. However now as a mom I realize she fought her hardest. I was approached by a reader to bring awareness to her cause. Heather is a mesothelioma survivor, she is a mom. I can not imagine the strength she had to muster in order to beat this horrible disease. Her daughter was 3.5 months old. I know how hard it is to have a new born. I know the daily struggle to figure out what to do with this little human. I could not imagine having to fight for my life at the same time. I did not know much about mesthelioma. I have since read a lot on it. I listened to Heathers story. She developed this cancer because her dad worked in construction and was exposed to asbestos fibers daily. An innocent bystander. She managed to pull together the strength to fight and survive this horrible disease. Here is a little background on her story: 

I am a wife, mother, and a mesothelioma survivor. When my daughter was 3 ½ months old, I was diagnosed with this rare and deadly cancer, and given 15 months to live. My prognosis was grim but I knew that I needed to beat the odds for my newborn daughter, Lily. It’s been 7 years now and I feel that it is my duty to pay it forward and inspire others. I clung on to hope throughout my whole journey with mesothelioma. When you have hope, it makes the battle easier. I want people to be inspired by me, I want to make them fight; give them something to hold on to when all else fails. That is why I do it. If I inspire one person, I've done my job. I'm using my personal story to help raise awareness of this little known cancer, and to provide a sense of hope for others facing life’s difficult challenges. Here is a video of my story that I am hoping to use as a tool to raise awareness. I would love it if you would be willing to share it on your blog with your readers! Here is the link: www.mesothelioma.com/heather 

Cancer is a horrible horrible thing. My hope is that in the very very near future all cancers have a cure. Everytime I think of the possiblities of something happening I hug my child. Please hug your child today/tonight. Say a little prayer for every mom/daughter/son/father who is fighting today. Pray for strength for them. I will. For those family memebers and friends who are their support system ask for strength for them as well for they need it too. Heather, I am very glad you found your strength and was able to beat this monster. I am very glad that every day you find your strength. Thank you for sharing your story. Please give Lily a hug! She is a very lucky girl to still have her mom.