Friday, October 18, 2013

Poor week for exercise

So this week I only got on my treadmill once. :( and even that was a poor attempt. Only 2.1 miles in 40 minutes. I have not been feeling well all week and battling a little bit of stress so this week is a write off. I'm hoping to get some treadmill time in tomorrow evening. We have company coming over so the morning and afternoon are a write off. Jon has a new video game and he's be more then happy to go down stairs and play that while I run while Alexander sleeps.
I've been fighting all week a decision on whether or not I want to continue to strive for weight loss. For the past 4 months I've been logging every bit of food/exercise I've been eating/doing. For the past 4 months I've gained and lost the same 3-4 lbs. For the past 4 months I've been on a horrible roller coaster of emotions regarding my weight. I'm not happy with it. I WANT to do something about it however it seems like it is going to be impossible. So I'm left at this decision. Do I put away the scales and say FUCK IT and try to just eat as healthy as possible and work out and not care if I lose/gain weight? Do I keep trying and cutting out foods etc? Why isn't this working. I tried the Jillian Michael's fat burners, didn't work.  I've gone from 1800-1200 calories per day with the same result. 254 lbs. That's a horrible number that I'm miserable with. Can I learn to live with it? Can I be happy at that weight as long as I am able to keep up with my son and life? Have I really been giving the weight loss 150% efforts? The answer to all but the last question is  I don't know. The answer to the last question.... is a very loud NO! It's a lot of hard work to lose weight. With sleep deprivation it makes it even harder. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know where I'm going to go. I told my husband today I'm done trying that I'm just going to try eating as healthy as possible and try to get healthy (no matter what weight) so that I can keep up with Alexander. He supported me in that. He said that's all that matters, my weight does not, my size does not.
I am lost on this weight loss journey. I know what I want to be, I know where I want to be, am I able to achieve it? So far I have not been able to. I have some soul searching to do, I need to make a decision on my actions and shit or get off the pot. I really don't know if it's possible for me to get back to 180 lbs.
As I struggle with this decision, miss my best friend Karen terribly, wondering what I'm going to do. Wondering what she'd say what she'd do, Jon sent me this:

Not sure what to think of the white orb above the red bucket. It's definitely NOT  a reflection and NOT a spot on his camera lens. It was taken with his cell phone. As soon as he sent it to me my eyes fixated on the white orb.. What/Who is it? This is the first time and orb has appeared in any of our photos. I feel it is most definitely a spirit. Any thoughts?!?!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Something awesome happened

First of all I'm going to apologise for the length of time it's taken me to write another post. I've had a lot of personal issues I've been dealing with. :) Not sure how many readers I have but I hope to get better at this posting thing. Things are turning around.

Now to the reason for this post. Something awesome happened about a month ago. I know exactly when it happened and I will always remember this moment in my life forever. I became a mom. I had been out grocery shopping with Alexander, doing groceries as I normally do. Alexander and I go up and down the aisles talking about the food we're buying and what we're going to do with it. He kicks at me I take his feet and push the cart away. A good song comes on (you know your old when you like the songs they play in the grocery store) I dance to it as we go about our business of getting our groceries. Alexander pointing at everything saying "wats dat" or "ah wan dat". I repeat to him "What's that, that's *fill in random food item" or "silly boy you don't even know what that is how can you want it." That day was a little different though, that day must have been "mom day" because there was a lot of moms with their little ones. Out of the corner of my eye in between bombing my child with kisses and watching him giggle with delight I watched these moms. All of these moms (atleast 7 of them) were doing their shopping as their child looked on. They did not talk to their kid, they did not show their kid different foods, or say "oh I'm going to buy hamburger so we can make some lasagna" to them. They were running errands with their child with them.

I then imagined how idiotic I must look, pushing Alexander around the store in the cart with his feet, or pushing him in front of me telling him to stop running away from me. Each time I do any of this he squeals with delight and laughs so hard at me. I then notice the older ladies smiling at me and at us with that "there goes a great mom" smile. And the ladies who are running errands look at me and watch me interacting with him as we scan our items. I for a moment wonder if the lady with the little girl wishes she could act like that with her kid. That's when it hit.. I am either bat shit crazy or I'm a pretty awesome mom. (My husband confidently tells me that night that it's the latter of the two.)

I get home with Alexander put the groceries away give him a snack and as we sit on the couch with him on my lap I give him a big hug and tell him "I love you" kiss the top of his head and told him "I'm your mom".

Yes my child was 14 months old, however up until that point I was some person who was struggling to look after this child. And oh boy did I ever struggle. I had post partum depression, that did not go away after 6 months, 8 months, a year. It did not go away with medication, that just made it easier not to cry.  I openly talked about my struggles. I tried to open a conversation about my struggles so other moms wouldn't feel alone if they struggled too. However I've only recently realized no one wants to hear about that. No one wants to hear that you're proud you got your kid to eat all his dinner without throwing it around or pushing it away. No one wants to hear that you're proud that you were able to give him breakfast and a bath before nap time without you crying your head off. What people want to hear is oh my child can walk, and talk, and eat all his veggies all by himself with no help.

Another thing that helped click this into me was I mentioned to a close friend how much I was struggling and how I couldn't understand why it was so easy for other mothers. She said it's all about attitude. I asked her how she did it, she never struggles, she never has a hard time. Her response.. "oh I do.. I have lots of them, I just don't talk about them"  WHAT?!?!?!?! All these months and you're only now telling me this??? Why??? Because no one wants to be seen as a "bad mom". In the world we live in now women are suppose to be everything, do everything. Be a career woman working 40+ hours a week and a perfect 1950's stay at home mom who makes fresh bread daily and has the house spotless. Someone who is always prepared for every small situation (a mom who doesn't forget the bottle, or a pair of socks or a hat) Who expects that of us women?? OTHER FREEKIN WOMEN. You listen to a group of mom's talk and it's almost a competition talk about how great their life is and how perfect their child and house is at every minute. You read the face book posts about "little Timmy learned his alphabet today, what an awesome 9 month old I have" or "I baked 5 loaves of bread today and made a 7 course meal all while breast feeding my child, then at nap time I had 3 hours of amazing sex with the hubby then went to my amazing job and found out I've just been promoted to president of the company"

These are expectations I can not live up to. Alexander is 14.5 months and has no idea what an alphabet is let alone how to say them. And well I can only make bread maker bread and that takes a good 4 hours to make so I'd be making bread all day if I had to make 5 loaves of bread. There's no way I'll ever become president of Rogers. That's just silly. Phone monkey I shall be, but I like my job. I like talking to the people (well 95% of them, it really does take all kinds) And 3 hour of sex.. who has that kind of time?!?

I am currently learning that if the dishes are in the dishwasher, the meals are made, the house is tidy (aka if you don't like my dust I'll get you the pledge and a cloth; go to town), if my child is fed, and has a smile on his face, then I'm doing a great job! And I'm a mom.. And a pretty darn good one at that. (PS I'm the bat shit crazy woman who sings to her child in the grocery store and spins him around in circles while dancing with him outside the mall to random songs just to hear him laugh. )