Friday, October 18, 2013

Poor week for exercise

So this week I only got on my treadmill once. :( and even that was a poor attempt. Only 2.1 miles in 40 minutes. I have not been feeling well all week and battling a little bit of stress so this week is a write off. I'm hoping to get some treadmill time in tomorrow evening. We have company coming over so the morning and afternoon are a write off. Jon has a new video game and he's be more then happy to go down stairs and play that while I run while Alexander sleeps.
I've been fighting all week a decision on whether or not I want to continue to strive for weight loss. For the past 4 months I've been logging every bit of food/exercise I've been eating/doing. For the past 4 months I've gained and lost the same 3-4 lbs. For the past 4 months I've been on a horrible roller coaster of emotions regarding my weight. I'm not happy with it. I WANT to do something about it however it seems like it is going to be impossible. So I'm left at this decision. Do I put away the scales and say FUCK IT and try to just eat as healthy as possible and work out and not care if I lose/gain weight? Do I keep trying and cutting out foods etc? Why isn't this working. I tried the Jillian Michael's fat burners, didn't work.  I've gone from 1800-1200 calories per day with the same result. 254 lbs. That's a horrible number that I'm miserable with. Can I learn to live with it? Can I be happy at that weight as long as I am able to keep up with my son and life? Have I really been giving the weight loss 150% efforts? The answer to all but the last question is  I don't know. The answer to the last question.... is a very loud NO! It's a lot of hard work to lose weight. With sleep deprivation it makes it even harder. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know where I'm going to go. I told my husband today I'm done trying that I'm just going to try eating as healthy as possible and try to get healthy (no matter what weight) so that I can keep up with Alexander. He supported me in that. He said that's all that matters, my weight does not, my size does not.
I am lost on this weight loss journey. I know what I want to be, I know where I want to be, am I able to achieve it? So far I have not been able to. I have some soul searching to do, I need to make a decision on my actions and shit or get off the pot. I really don't know if it's possible for me to get back to 180 lbs.
As I struggle with this decision, miss my best friend Karen terribly, wondering what I'm going to do. Wondering what she'd say what she'd do, Jon sent me this:

Not sure what to think of the white orb above the red bucket. It's definitely NOT  a reflection and NOT a spot on his camera lens. It was taken with his cell phone. As soon as he sent it to me my eyes fixated on the white orb.. What/Who is it? This is the first time and orb has appeared in any of our photos. I feel it is most definitely a spirit. Any thoughts?!?!

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